scars not only prove the completed healing process. they are visual reminders of the hurt that once was.
scars do not replace the pain. or make the wound null & void. the hurt has simply transformed.
although one can rejoice in the scar as it is undoubtable evidence that healing has occurred. the wound that was once open and fresh cannot be forgotten. for without the wound, there is no scar.
today i rejoice that my 'broken heart is a healed heart' as a puritan once put it.
it has been one year from today that my heart was broken, yet so healed.
'remember this day in which you came out from egypt, out of the house of slavery, for by a strong hand the lord brought you out from this place' exodus 13.3
remembering this day. mourning the deep pain that was endured which left a gaping wound. rejoicing in the healing God has performed.
MTV has lots of trashy shows, i know this because i watch one too many of them.
but, this year MTV has come out with a new show entitled, 'if you really knew me'. the premise of the show is to allow high school students to be vulnerable & honest with the pressures they face, the hardships they encounter & the brokenness they feel. 'challenge day' allows the students to be known by others. to reveal the junk that they're ashamed of, embarrassed of or trying heartily to hide.
this show always brings me to tears... well, more like a sob. i cry for the sadness & the burdens they carry. the shame & insecurities that overwhelm them.
i also weep for the redemption the show brings to their lives. the students feel so known and so loved. you can feel the freedom they have experienced. the relief it has brought to their weary hearts. you can hear how their voices have changed; they speak with much lightness. you can see how their body posture changes; they stand taller & more proud. you can see the change in their eyes; which are full of joy.
if you have any free time watch an episode or two... or all of them:
MTV is preaching the Gospel without even knowing it. they are offering an invitation to be courageously known, to feel deeply & not ashamedly and then to be loved. to share inner darkness and receive a 'you too?'. the freedom one student offers another student is ONLY a glimpse of the acceptance Jesus gives us.
this show points to something bigger. something that all of our hearts desires for: to be honest and accepted. we have that in Jesus!!!!!!!!
the nights when your anxiety won't relent. your discontented soul won't surrender. the sleepless nights when everything that's deep within you is on an endless rampage. the movement from within contrasts the stillness of your surroundings. our soul seems to know it can be heard in the lonely night. our doubts, insecurities and fears speak because there is no day-time distraction hushing them.
i will do my best to describe to you the ache that seems to be in the core of my bones. the deepest part of my heart. in the pit of my stomach.
i am not a mother. but, i think i may know what it is like to love a child with such deep love that it's unsettling. i cannot ignore the warm feelings that envelope my heart as his name simply flashes in my mind.
erold pierre is a 12 year-old boy i met years ago in messailler, haiti. his precious smile instantly captured my heart.
he is so kind. so thoughtful. caring. attentive and introverted. although we do not speak the same language, his meek personality shines through any language barrier.
erold shows his love for me many ways. jesus has been so kind to me to let my heart feel so deeply for a child that lives such a distance away. to be loved by a haitian child. we are an unlikely pair.
for example, if a hair is blown into my face, he so gently moves it aside. if too many kids are hanging on me in the heat of a haitian afternoon; he kindly removes their clinging hands... he then grabs my hand and leads me to shade. if my skirt is ruflled above my knee as i sit on the grass, he so intentionally places it correctly... laying it back to it's proper position.
i have learned about erold and his family over the years. god has blessed me with that gift.
erold survived the floods of tropical storm Fay and the violent shakes of the earthquake. i cannot describe to you my fear during those times. i was fearful for my boy's safety.
all i can do in my home miles and miles away is pray for him. i pray that there would not be a day erold did not experience jesus' love. i pray that the holy spirit sanctifies his little heart and that one day he becomes a faithful-jesus lovin' leader. whether it is in his home, church, business or entire country. i boldly come before the throne and ask the Ultimate Healer that He would equip erold to bring redemption to his country that is so needy for it. i pray for continued safety. for jesus to send a person who could provide stable love for erold & his siblings.
i can also remember him. i will never forget erold. he will be remembered and talked about in my family for many years. hopefully even after i pass.
i have courage to feel the ache within my heart because i rest in the hope that one day we WILL be in heaven together. jesus will come and redeem haiti & the broken family erold comes from. i am able to live in the tension of such pain because hope and joy is GUARANTEED to me. i long for the day for us to be in heaven together.
What would it look like to live with an unveiled face? To be exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really you. It is such a terrifying, yet freeing invitation. The reality is I cannot unveil my hidden shame and stand in the Light by my own strength. “Only through Christ is it (the veil) taken away” (2 Corinthians 3:14). I cannot muster up enough self-esteem, courage or self-motivation to stand completely vulnerable and known intimately. Jesus in His kindness and gentleness invites his daughters (and sons) to come as we are. Broken, fearful, doubting, selfish, blind children. God cannot love you or me anymore then He already does. What?! Does that even make sense?!
This means that I can be a fearful, controlling mess and Jesus still accepts me? Adores me? What freeing love we are offered from our Creator!!!
You see, others or even ourselves cannot unveil our shameful face. Rather the response comes from knowing that Jesus loves me despite myself. That truth is freeing enough to tear my veil off, dance in freedom and breath deeply... resting in the fact that I am exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really me and loved still.
“Since we have the assurance of God’s love no matter what, we can do a very bold thing. We don’t have to pretend to be more radiant than we really are. We can live with unveiled faces” John Ortberg.
We all want to live with purpose. We all want our lives to count for something. To be close to death and know that our little life made an impact.
“A human life is like a single letter of the alphabet. It can be meaningless. Or it can be a part of a great meaning. God delights to make words, sentences, and paragraphs of grace through the broken and rebellious letters written into the grander narrative”.
We are not the center of the grander narrative. The narrative is not about our life, but about Jesus’. The author of the story is God. We are simply and yet amazingly just a letter comprising the BIG story.
“We are targets for hope who’ll serve as agents of hope, and candidates of mercy who’ll live as conduits of mercy. Jesus is bringing restoration to broken individuals as a means of bringing healing to other individuals, families, communities, and ultimately the whole universe”.
We were created to live in God’s story. For God’s glory. He so graciously enfolded me and you into this story. We can be a part of this amazingly, huge, redemptive love story. What a privilege!
I am honored to be a letter in the story, not an entire word, paragraph, page or book… but a letter none the less.
**The above quotes are from the book 'restoring broken things' by scotty smith and steven curtis chapman.
i once heard that each soul is comprised of three tribes. so i did some investigating and identified my own tribes. i gave each tribe a name in january and I just recently renamed them to more redemptive names. ((side note: i am not a schizo, this is figurative… not literal. just in case you are questioning my sanity!))
one tribe speaks about the desire within in the feminine soul. she knows what the heart longs for. her name was "ashamed". she is now called "passion".
one tribe controls the desires. she controls so the desires are not felt. she overbears so they do not run rampant. her name was "drill sergeant". she is now called "healthy organizer”.
one tribe attempts to decipher feelings. this tribe is often the way in which we cope. her name was "librarian". she is nowcalled "art teacher".
often times the tribes within our soul are out of line. one is dominating the rest. when our tribes live in equilibrium we are restful. when each tribe is aware of the other two, our soul can just “be”. when each tribe respects each other and their individual functions our soul is most alive.
"ashamed" was the quietest, but the most desperate. she was the one who was trying to wake the "drill sergeant" and the "librarian" up to reality: feelings of loneliness, shame, a deep desire to be loved and to love and ingrained feelings of insufficiency and insecurities. "ashamed" did not speak up because she believed that the reality of her state would make far too many waves for the "drill sergeant" to control or the "librarian" to hush. so, she quieted her voice and was lost by her counterparts.
"drill sergeant" used to demand order and productivity. she demanded that outer appearances were stable, in-line and not falling apart. she screamed, yelled, and dictated how life should be: put-together and composed.
"librarian" used to shame and embarrass the soul so the desires fled due to feelings of insufficiency. she ignored what was going on in order to appear orderly and in-production. She also kept things neat, by coming in and quieting the chaos; mostly through the use of hyper-relationships and co-dependence. the librarian allowed for earthly relationships and the distractions they offered to hide the real desires. hyper-religiosity and condemnation also acted as extinguishers of the flames of desire that aroused attention.
i learned that i must start listening to my desires, “ashamed” is now called “passion”. "passion" feels deeply. i allow “passion” to speak and be heard, no matter how ugly the feelings are. “passion” now has the liberty to express her loneliness, sadness, fear, hurt, excitement or shame freely to the other tribes. they are learning to respect her, to not control and therefore disregard her feelings or hush and belittle her desires. “drill sergeant” is learning to let go and be a mess sometimes. she is allowing me to express my insecurities to sisterfriends and not always look composed. she sometimes has to come in and control emotions in order for the emotions to be understood. she sometimes has to assert herself in order that vulnerability is shared with few and not the world. each tribe has an appropriate function. “the librarian” became the “art teacher” because times when my true desires seemed too hard to handle, i coped with art and journaling. i not only allowed “passion” to be heard and respected, i also coped with those feelings via arts & crafts and "drill sergeant" let me be artistic and deal with my emotions.
yes. i daily struggle to be aware of what is going on within me and my heart. but, my deep desire is to be in tune with my feminine soul. i challenge you to name your tribes. to see which one is dominating the others and which one is dying to heard.
go, beautiful souls and have courage to identify what is going on within your precious hearts. have courage to listen. to feel.
below are pictures of what i created one night to let "passion" be heard. unashamed, valued, live and be known is what is said.
