restless nights.

what keeps you up at night?

consumed.

restless. 

discontented.

anxious.

fearful.

fantasizing.

the nights when your anxiety won't relent. your discontented soul won't surrender. the sleepless nights when everything that's deep within you is on an endless rampage. the movement from within contrasts the stillness of your surroundings. our soul seems to know it can be heard in the lonely night. our doubts, insecurities and fears speak because there is no day-time distraction hushing them.

what keeps you up at night?

deep, unspeakable ache

i will do my best to describe to you the ache that seems to be in the core of my bones. the deepest part of my heart. in the pit of my stomach.

i am not a mother. but, i think i may know what it is like to love a child with such deep love that it's unsettling. i cannot ignore the warm feelings that envelope my heart as his name simply flashes in my mind.

erold pierre is a 12 year-old boy i met years ago in messailler, haiti. his precious smile instantly captured my heart.

he is so kind. so thoughtful. caring. attentive and introverted. although we do not speak the same language, his meek personality shines through any language barrier.

erold shows his love for me many ways. jesus has been so kind to me to let my heart feel so deeply for a child that lives such a distance away. to be loved by a haitian child. we are an unlikely pair.

for example, if a hair is blown into my face, he so gently moves it aside. if too many kids are hanging on me in the heat of a haitian afternoon; he kindly removes their clinging hands... he then grabs my hand and leads me to shade. if my skirt is ruflled above my knee as i sit on the grass, he so intentionally places it correctly... laying it back to it's proper position.

i have learned about erold and his family over the years. god has blessed me with that gift.

erold survived the floods of tropical storm Fay and the violent shakes of the earthquake. i cannot describe to you my fear during those times. i was fearful for my boy's safety.

all i can do in my home miles and miles away is pray for him. i pray that there would not be a day erold did not experience jesus' love. i pray that the holy spirit sanctifies his little heart and that one day he becomes a faithful-jesus lovin' leader. whether it is in his home, church, business or entire country. i boldly come before the throne and ask the Ultimate Healer that He would equip erold to bring redemption to his country that is so needy for it. i pray for continued safety. for jesus to send a person who could provide stable love for erold & his siblings.

i can also remember him. i will never forget erold. he will be remembered and talked about in my family for many years. hopefully even after i pass.

i have courage to feel the ache within my heart because i rest in the hope that one day we WILL be in heaven together. jesus will come and redeem haiti & the broken family erold comes from. i am able to live in the tension of such pain because hope and joy is GUARANTEED to me. i long for the day for us to be in heaven together.

This is erold & i in the summer of 2007.

 this is erold & i in the summer of 2010.

unveiled faces

 What would it look like to live with an unveiled face? To be exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really you. It is such a terrifying, yet freeing invitation. The reality is I cannot unveil my hidden shame and stand in the Light by my own strength. “Only through Christ is it (the veil) taken away” (2 Corinthians 3:14). I cannot muster up enough self-esteem, courage or self-motivation to stand completely vulnerable and known intimately. Jesus in His kindness and gentleness invites his daughters (and sons) to come as we are. Broken, fearful, doubting, selfish, blind children. God cannot love you or me anymore then He already does. What?! Does that even make sense?!

This means that I can be a fearful, controlling mess and Jesus still accepts me? Adores me? What freeing love we are offered from our Creator!!! 

You see, others or even ourselves cannot unveil our shameful face. Rather the response comes from knowing that Jesus loves me despite myself. That truth is freeing enough to tear my veil off, dance in freedom and breath deeply... resting in the fact that I am exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really me and loved still.

“Since we have the assurance of God’s love no matter what, we can do a very bold thing. We don’t have to pretend to be more radiant than we really are. We can live with unveiled faces” John Ortberg.