scars.

scars not only prove the completed healing process. they are visual reminders of the hurt that once was.
scars do not replace the pain. or make the wound null & void. the hurt has simply transformed.
although one can rejoice in the scar as it is undoubtable evidence that healing has occurred. the wound that was once open and fresh cannot be forgotten. for without the wound, there is no scar.
today i rejoice that my 'broken heart is a healed heart' as a puritan once put it.
it has been one year from today that my heart was broken, yet so healed.

'remember this day in which you came out from egypt, out of the house of slavery, for by a strong hand the lord brought you out from this place' exodus 13.3 

remembering this day. mourning the deep pain that was endured which left a gaping wound. rejoicing in the healing God has performed.

'if you really knew me'

MTV has lots of trashy shows, i know this because i watch one too many of them.

but, this year MTV has come out with a new show entitled, 'if you really knew me'. the premise of the show is to allow high school students to be vulnerable & honest with the pressures they face, the hardships they encounter & the brokenness they feel. 'challenge day' allows the students to be known by others. to reveal the junk that they're ashamed of, embarrassed of or trying heartily to hide.

this show always brings me to tears... well, more like a sob.  i cry for the sadness & the burdens they carry. the shame & insecurities that overwhelm them. 

i also weep for the redemption the show brings to their lives. the students feel so known and so loved. you can feel the freedom they have experienced. the relief it has brought to their weary hearts. you can hear how their voices have changed; they speak with much lightness. you can see how their body posture changes; they stand taller & more proud. you can see the change in their eyes; which are full of joy.

if you have any free time watch an episode or two... or all of them: 

http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml

MTV is preaching the Gospel without even knowing it. they are offering an invitation to be courageously known, to feel deeply & not ashamedly and then to be loved. to share inner darkness and receive a 'you too?'. the freedom one student offers another student is ONLY a glimpse of the acceptance Jesus gives us.

this show points to something bigger. something that all of our hearts desires for: to be honest and accepted. we have that in Jesus!!!!!!!!

restless nights.

what keeps you up at night?

consumed.

restless. 

discontented.

anxious.

fearful.

fantasizing.

the nights when your anxiety won't relent. your discontented soul won't surrender. the sleepless nights when everything that's deep within you is on an endless rampage. the movement from within contrasts the stillness of your surroundings. our soul seems to know it can be heard in the lonely night. our doubts, insecurities and fears speak because there is no day-time distraction hushing them.

what keeps you up at night?

deep, unspeakable ache

i will do my best to describe to you the ache that seems to be in the core of my bones. the deepest part of my heart. in the pit of my stomach.

i am not a mother. but, i think i may know what it is like to love a child with such deep love that it's unsettling. i cannot ignore the warm feelings that envelope my heart as his name simply flashes in my mind.

erold pierre is a 12 year-old boy i met years ago in messailler, haiti. his precious smile instantly captured my heart.

he is so kind. so thoughtful. caring. attentive and introverted. although we do not speak the same language, his meek personality shines through any language barrier.

erold shows his love for me many ways. jesus has been so kind to me to let my heart feel so deeply for a child that lives such a distance away. to be loved by a haitian child. we are an unlikely pair.

for example, if a hair is blown into my face, he so gently moves it aside. if too many kids are hanging on me in the heat of a haitian afternoon; he kindly removes their clinging hands... he then grabs my hand and leads me to shade. if my skirt is ruflled above my knee as i sit on the grass, he so intentionally places it correctly... laying it back to it's proper position.

i have learned about erold and his family over the years. god has blessed me with that gift.

erold survived the floods of tropical storm Fay and the violent shakes of the earthquake. i cannot describe to you my fear during those times. i was fearful for my boy's safety.

all i can do in my home miles and miles away is pray for him. i pray that there would not be a day erold did not experience jesus' love. i pray that the holy spirit sanctifies his little heart and that one day he becomes a faithful-jesus lovin' leader. whether it is in his home, church, business or entire country. i boldly come before the throne and ask the Ultimate Healer that He would equip erold to bring redemption to his country that is so needy for it. i pray for continued safety. for jesus to send a person who could provide stable love for erold & his siblings.

i can also remember him. i will never forget erold. he will be remembered and talked about in my family for many years. hopefully even after i pass.

i have courage to feel the ache within my heart because i rest in the hope that one day we WILL be in heaven together. jesus will come and redeem haiti & the broken family erold comes from. i am able to live in the tension of such pain because hope and joy is GUARANTEED to me. i long for the day for us to be in heaven together.

This is erold & i in the summer of 2007.

 this is erold & i in the summer of 2010.

unveiled faces

 What would it look like to live with an unveiled face? To be exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really you. It is such a terrifying, yet freeing invitation. The reality is I cannot unveil my hidden shame and stand in the Light by my own strength. “Only through Christ is it (the veil) taken away” (2 Corinthians 3:14). I cannot muster up enough self-esteem, courage or self-motivation to stand completely vulnerable and known intimately. Jesus in His kindness and gentleness invites his daughters (and sons) to come as we are. Broken, fearful, doubting, selfish, blind children. God cannot love you or me anymore then He already does. What?! Does that even make sense?!

This means that I can be a fearful, controlling mess and Jesus still accepts me? Adores me? What freeing love we are offered from our Creator!!! 

You see, others or even ourselves cannot unveil our shameful face. Rather the response comes from knowing that Jesus loves me despite myself. That truth is freeing enough to tear my veil off, dance in freedom and breath deeply... resting in the fact that I am exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really me and loved still.

“Since we have the assurance of God’s love no matter what, we can do a very bold thing. We don’t have to pretend to be more radiant than we really are. We can live with unveiled faces” John Ortberg.

A,B,C...

We all want to live with purpose. We all want our lives to count for something. To be close to death and know that our little life made an impact.

“A human life is like a single letter of the alphabet. It can be meaningless. Or it can be a part of a great meaning. God delights to make words, sentences, and paragraphs of grace through the broken and rebellious letters written into the grander narrative”.

We are not the center of the grander narrative. The narrative is not about our life, but about Jesus’. The author of the story is God. We are simply and yet amazingly just a letter comprising the BIG story.

“We are targets for hope who’ll serve as agents of hope, and candidates of mercy who’ll live as conduits of mercy. Jesus is bringing restoration to broken individuals as a means of bringing healing to other individuals, families, communities, and ultimately the whole universe”.

We were created to live in God’s story. For God’s glory. He so graciously enfolded me and you into this story. We can be a part of this amazingly, huge, redemptive love story. What a privilege! 

I am honored to be a letter in the story, not an entire word, paragraph, page or book… but a letter none the less.

**The above quotes are from the book 'restoring broken things' by scotty smith and steven curtis chapman.

tribes of the soul.

i once heard that each soul is comprised of three tribes. so i did some investigating and identified my own tribes. i gave each tribe a name in january and I just recently renamed them to more redemptive names. ((side note: i am not a schizo, this is figurative… not literal. just in case you are questioning my sanity!))  

one tribe speaks about the desire within in the feminine soul. she knows what the heart longs for. her name was "ashamed". she is now called "passion".

one tribe controls the desires. she controls so the desires are not felt. she overbears so they do not run rampant. her name was "drill sergeant". she is now called "healthy organizer”.

one tribe attempts to decipher feelings. this tribe is often the way in which we cope. her name was "librarian". she is now  called "art teacher".

often times the tribes within our soul are out of line. one is dominating the rest. when our tribes live in equilibrium we are restful. when each tribe is aware of the other two, our soul can just “be”. when each tribe respects each other and their individual functions our soul is most alive.

"ashamed" was the quietest, but the most desperate. she was the one who was trying to wake the "drill sergeant" and the "librarian" up to reality: feelings of loneliness, shame, a deep desire to be loved and to love and ingrained feelings of insufficiency and insecurities. "ashamed" did not speak up because she believed that the reality of her state would make far too many waves for the "drill sergeant" to control or the "librarian" to hush. so, she quieted her voice and was lost by her counterparts.

"drill sergeant" used to demand order and productivity. she demanded that outer appearances were stable, in-line and not falling apart. she screamed, yelled, and dictated how life should be: put-together and composed.

"librarian" used to shame and embarrass the soul so the desires fled due to feelings of insufficiency. she ignored what was going on in order to appear orderly and in-production. She also kept things neat, by coming in and quieting the chaos; mostly through the use of hyper-relationships and co-dependence. the librarian allowed for earthly relationships and the distractions they offered to hide the real desires. hyper-religiosity and condemnation also acted as extinguishers of the flames of desire that aroused attention. 

i learned that i must start listening to my desires, “ashamed” is now called “passion”. "passion" feels deeply. i allow “passion” to speak and be heard, no matter how ugly the feelings are. “passion” now has the liberty to express her loneliness, sadness, fear, hurt, excitement or shame freely to the other tribes. they are learning to respect her, to not control and therefore disregard her feelings or hush and belittle her desires. “drill sergeant” is learning to let go and be a mess sometimes. she is allowing me to express my insecurities to sisterfriends and not always look composed. she sometimes has to come in and control emotions in order for the emotions to be understood. she sometimes has to assert herself in order that vulnerability is shared with few and not the world. each tribe has an appropriate function. “the librarian” became the “art teacher” because times when my true desires seemed too hard to handle, i coped with art and journaling. i not only allowed “passion” to be heard and respected, i also coped with those feelings via arts & crafts and "drill sergeant" let me be artistic and deal with my emotions. 

yes. i daily struggle to be aware of what is going on within me and my heart. but, my deep desire is to be in tune with my feminine soul. i challenge you to name your tribes. to see which one is dominating the others and which one is dying to heard.

go, beautiful souls and have courage to identify what is going on within your precious hearts. have courage to listen. to feel.

below are pictures of what i created one night to let "passion" be heard. unashamed, valued, live and be known is what is said.

   ((photos were taken by my wonderful roommate, jessica bennett))

a good listener.

"Listening to your heart can include reliving fearful and painful experiences and examining your strategies to silence your heart so you never have to feel that anguish again"

Sharon Hersh from the book, Brave Hearts 

Do you have a place where you are able to listen to your heart?  

Is there a safe place where you can retreat and sit, listen, speak, weep, wrestle with your inner self and have courage to feel?

We live in a fast-pace culture where spending time reflecting is not appreciated or valued. Courageous hearts sit and listen to the wounds that have marred our souls in order to allow for healing and restoration.

experiencing grace.

Grace is a word that I have grown up with.
Grace is an overused word. A misunderstood word. A word that may be fully inconceivable by mankind. Grace, in all of it’s meaning is a beautiful mystery that is so complex yet so simple.
Grace can be defined as receiving something that you do not deserve. God is a grace-filled God who daily, no momentarily, pours His grace onto His children.
The eyes of my soul have been opened a little wider today. I have seen grace actively being bestowed on me. My flesh is awakened, by bones are nourished.
We, as Americans, and maybe mankind as a whole feel like “we get what we deserve”. But, the Truth is that we don’t get what we deserve. Jesus came to Earth and turned everything upside down, or right side up…
I deserve nothing except death. I am a selfish, fearful, doubting, inconsiderate girl. I do not deserve God’s love. None of us do. Not even Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt or Oprah. Oprah could not have enough "Give Aways" to earn God's love.
But, the Truth in the Bible is that God is good to His children. He is loving and kind. He is patient and faithful. The only reason He displays such affection on His wayward daughters, like you and me is because of what Jesus did on the cross. It is not because of our “good and acceptable” actions. We do not deserve grace, we deserve death.
Jesus died for my sinful heart ((I already listed a few of my sins above. Just ask me, I could give you a longer list if you would like)) AND when He died He also gave me His righteousness and perfection.
As a result, when God looks at me, He sees Jesus! God sees a forgiven, justified girl who can therefore receive grace.
Like I said, the concept of grace is simple because the Bible told me so. But, practically I cannot fathom it.
Looking back at my recent past, I deserved to be left by a Holy God. I deserved to be abandoned and given over to my worldly desires. But, God in His grace rescued me. And today, I feel so humbled and undeservingly gracious to have again witnessed God pouring His grace on a fearful, prideful girl.
I do not deserve His kindness. I do not deserve His provision. Yet, He has given it to me because of Jesus.

transforming a heart of stone

I feel like a fraud.

I often paint myself as a girl who has it all together. A person who with all her heart is striving to glorify Jesus. I see the depths of my heart. I hear my inner dialogue. I am with myself all day long and throughout the night and I am the most selfish person. Inconsiderate, unloving hypocrite who is incredibly self-rightous. If you ask the ones that are the closest to me, they would quickly agree.

I write this to remind you that I am a sinner. I am not perfect and I do not have everything figured out. I am in desperate need of a Savior and His grace.

I have found that freedom and livelihood comes when I am most honest with myself and others. When I allow people to know the real me. The unkempt me.

I am being restored. I am a work in progress… a major one. But, Jesus loves me too much to leave me the way I am. 

He is faithful to change his child’s heart from that of a stone to one of flesh.

from birth to death

I was home one weekend visiting my family and my precious 80 year-old-grandmother, who is affectionately known as ‘Granny’ called me aside to expose her wounded heart to her granddaughter. She so vulnerably opened her heart to me and I will forever cherish our ten-minute conversation. I saw my Granny’s feminine soul at its most purist.

She began the conversation simply and matter-of-factly. She expressed to me her loneliness and her deep desire for friends. Most of her friends are sick, dying, or have already passed. She is aching for a girl friend to go shopping with, eat lunch with, walk the dogs with, and be known by. She longs to laugh with a friend, cry with her, love her and be loved by her. It brings me to tears to know that my Granny, in all of her tenderness exposed her heart full of longings for a cherished friend. I was a privileged girl to see the depths of her heart. It was messy, yet so beautiful.

Longings for rich relationship never leave a feminine soul. We never grow out of them. We never marry out of them, have kids, buy a house, live a whole life without them. Our feminine heart aches for rich relationships. From birth to death.

This is Granny. She has courage to feel her lonely heart.

strategies

These past few days I have been realizing something about myself. I use a variety of earthly things to grant me value, love and protection. I have been using every strategy to quench my longing for purpose and worth. I know that I will shortly forget that strategies are hopeless and fickle, but at this moment I believe that nothing on this earth has the power to grant me purpose and worth. Only Jesus does. 

Strategy as defined by Webster’s Dictionary is, “a careful plan or method: a clever stratagem. The art of devising or employing plans or stratagems toward a goal”. I no longer want to be a strategizer. I do not want to devise a plan. I no longer want to cleverly and carefully search for earthly things to quiet the longings of my soul. 

A strategy may be a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success, or good grades. Strategies are ways in which we run towards objects to find purpose. Even if the strategy temporarily works, it will fail to provide what it so deceptively promised. The strategy promises to grant value and worth when it is attained. When the strategy fails us a deep part of the feminine soul feels valueless, worthless, and purposeless.
Therefore, I have no other option than to fall down where I am at, as a weak strategizer and finally rest. I am resting. No adventure, no job, no amount of independence granted by God gives me the status of being loved, valued and protected. Nothing on this earth has that amount of power. Only Jesus does. He claimed me as worthy when he came to earth, died on the cross, and rose again. I am already valued. Therefore a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success and good grades are not bad things. They simply cannot grant me the status of “valued”.
 

universal longings

I was flipping through People Magazine looking for the story about Sandra Bullock's sweet new baby and ran across a quote from a Hollywood Starlet that I kept replaying in my mind.

Jennifer Aniston stated in People Magazine that, "I feel beautiful when... I'm surrounded by friends that know me and love me". This woman who seems to be untouchable simply stated that she feels most beautiful when she is with people who know her completely and love her anyways. Don't we all desire that?

Jennifer, just like myself feels most free, valued, genuine, raw, restful and beautiful when she is able to be utterly known. She feels most beautiful when she is known and accepted, understood and loved.

We have an innate desire written on our hearts at birth, which is to be known and loved.

Friends will fail Jennifer Aniston, I know this from experience. Jennifer Aniston's longing to be known and loved by earthly beings merely echoes her deep desire to be unconditionally known and loved by Jesus. She may be unaware of her holy longings that can only be met by the MOST truest Friend, Jesus.

I needed to be reminded that we, as women have universal longings: to desire to be known and loved.
Jennifer Aniston has a courageous heart that admits her desire to be fully known and fully loved. 

exercise compassion

A good sisterfriend of mine shared her heart with me as we drove home from a Thai restaurant. Her words that night encouraged me and I could not resist sharing her insight. She is one of the most alive women I know! She lives to serve and care for the oppressed and marginalized individuals of our society. She is going to serve homeless children and youth this summer, she is relentless in her pursuit to bring care to others. Compassion and empathy are two characteristics that describe this sisterfriend. The way she encourages her friends, family, classmates, colleagues, and strangers is admirable.

Our conversation in the car that night closely mirrored what was written in the previous post: being a detective for dignity. She diligently and intentionally exercises her compassion “muscles” as it relates to people in her life that are often difficult to love. She introduced me to a “Compassion Exercise” by Avatar: The Compassion Project.

The objective of this exercise is to: Increase the amount of compassion in the world.
The exercise can be completed on old enemies, with family members, or loved ones.
Step One: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life”
Step Two: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life"
Step Three: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair”
Step Four: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs”

Step Five: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is learning about life”.

She has found that honestly with one’s self leads to compassion for others. Her heart beats a little faster for justice and equality in this world. Compassion, mercy and empathy run deeply within her soul because she has found that “just like her, other people are also learning about life” ((that is Amanda’s favorite step to repeat to herself!)).

This is Amanda. She has courage to feel her compassionate heart.

detectives for dignity

Give me an “Amen sista” if you agree that women are the most competitive creatures on the planet. We walk into a room and immediately size up our competition. We feel confident and lovable if we are the most attractive woman in the room. We do not buy name-brand items to impress men, but rather to belittle other women. I know this game all too well because I have been playing it since middle school. I am coming to realize that this competition is not truly satisfying. It is exhausting having to compete and make other women feel inferior so I can feel more confident.
What if we became detectives for dignity? It is a difficult challenge to look at another woman through the eyes of the heart. Looking through the eyes of the heart rather than the insecure-blurred vision of the eyes means seeing others as what is most true of them.
We must be relentless in looking for the strengths, gifts, passions and similarities in the women we have a hard time loving. Loving passionately and without abandon is quite difficult. It is no easy task to look at another women as similar to yourself, especially if you are competing with her to make yourself feel more secure.
How challenging is it to see your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend through the eyes of your heart? A family member that differs greatly from you? A co-worker or classmate who is conniving? A homeless woman panhandling? A dancer at a local strip club? The “popular girl” in high school as a feminine soul desiring similar things as yourself? It is a counter-cultural idea to be a detective for dignity and actively seek the beautiful, feminine soul within her.
She too, like myself, and you desires to be loved, known, accepted and cherished. Instead of shaming her, hating her, being jealous, disgusted, or competitive with her begin to see her through the eyes of the heart. She is a sister who is also longing for relationship, kindness, wisdom, insight and purpose.

** ((The concept of being a Detective for Dignity is from the book, Brave Hearts by Sharon A. Hersh. I highly recommend purchasing this book. But, beware: your heart will undergo a major renovation. It is painful, but so worth it))**

it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul, I know this deeply. But, my circumstances are not so well.
I come back from another engagement party celebrating another beautifully cherished couple for which I am thrilled! I love them and am truly thankful for their love.
As I leave the party I am faced with reality. My circumstances that surround me are so unstable, so out of control. Not sure what the future holds as it pertains to a job, location, financial income, loneliness or companionship and disapproval from others. My life is full of much stress and tension. It is well with my soul, but not my circumstances.
I leave another celebration feeling “singled” out and my heart is as hungry as ever to BE celebrated as a beautifully cherished couple with my lover. My desire to be adored is passionately aroused as I leave the engagement party. It is like my whole being, each bone in my body is dry and aching for a man’s love. I crave to be unconditionally accepted by a man. These desires are currently going unfulfilled. It is well with my soul, but not my circumstances.
It is well with my soul because tonight, as I slip into my P.J.’s and sit on my bed with my lap top I feel so alive in this tiny room alone. I feel so in touch with the part of my soul I have quieted for many years. I am letting her speak. She weeps, ponders, admits her neediness and feels valued.
It is well with my soul because I have holy, God-given longings that were not given to me as a punishment. These desires were not ingrained in me to be a source of frustration. They were inscribed on my soul to reflect what God’s heart is like. He too desires to be adored, to have a party thrown in the sake of His love, He craves to be loved ((even by mere humans)). We were made in the image of God: every human. I have a heart that is beating really close to the Creator’s. We have similar desires that are passionately groaning to be known and loved. I feel alive because I am restful that my heart is more than OK.
My circumstances that surround me are so unstable, so out of control, but it is well with my passionate soul.

welcome, beautiful feminine souls!

Hello! This blog is intended for girls, teenagers and women who are of any race, sexual orientation, religion, or age who desire to be known and loved, even if they are not aware of these longings. The intention of this blog is to be a mere instrument in bringing healing and freedom to a feminine soul that has been shamed by others and herself. To offer an invitation of grace, which is really just an invitation to be beautifully real and still accepted. This blog is intended to encourage women to come out of hiding and to support their bravery during the process.
The idea of having a public place where one feminine soul shares her craving for freedom from insecurities came out of a simple desire to share truth. This truth that I have found is beginning to set me free and I feel as if every woman should hear.
Like many girls ((arguably all girls)) my doubts, neediness, loneliness, shame, insecurities, and inadequacy were my closest friends. Not one person knew the extent of my shame, not even myself. If a man rejected, a boss disapproved, a parent shamed, a friend misunderstood, it was a catastrophic event. It was not a simple disapproval, it was a soul-shattering type that made me doubt my being. People held too much power. Honestly, they still do.
Instead of honoring my feelings of inadequacy I hushed them. Belittled them. Cringed at them. I despised my feelings. I shamed my soul’s attempt to speak and be honest. I did not let the most wounded part of me speak; she was far too messy. She was far too needy to show others or to even admit to herself.
This is where my journey began months ago. Allowing the wounded, bruised, quiet, shamed little part of my soul be heard and valued. I became aware. It is a difficult challenge, very counter-cultural to sit and listen to the most “unattractive” part of your soul speak. This blog will be a reminder of the beauty that lies within every woman. We were created uniquely and it is about time we unleash our brave hearts to the freedom of feeling. Have courage to feel.