restless nights.

what keeps you up at night?

consumed.

restless. 

discontented.

anxious.

fearful.

fantasizing.

the nights when your anxiety won't relent. your discontented soul won't surrender. the sleepless nights when everything that's deep within you is on an endless rampage. the movement from within contrasts the stillness of your surroundings. our soul seems to know it can be heard in the lonely night. our doubts, insecurities and fears speak because there is no day-time distraction hushing them.

what keeps you up at night?

deep, unspeakable ache

i will do my best to describe to you the ache that seems to be in the core of my bones. the deepest part of my heart. in the pit of my stomach.

i am not a mother. but, i think i may know what it is like to love a child with such deep love that it's unsettling. i cannot ignore the warm feelings that envelope my heart as his name simply flashes in my mind.

erold pierre is a 12 year-old boy i met years ago in messailler, haiti. his precious smile instantly captured my heart.

he is so kind. so thoughtful. caring. attentive and introverted. although we do not speak the same language, his meek personality shines through any language barrier.

erold shows his love for me many ways. jesus has been so kind to me to let my heart feel so deeply for a child that lives such a distance away. to be loved by a haitian child. we are an unlikely pair.

for example, if a hair is blown into my face, he so gently moves it aside. if too many kids are hanging on me in the heat of a haitian afternoon; he kindly removes their clinging hands... he then grabs my hand and leads me to shade. if my skirt is ruflled above my knee as i sit on the grass, he so intentionally places it correctly... laying it back to it's proper position.

i have learned about erold and his family over the years. god has blessed me with that gift.

erold survived the floods of tropical storm Fay and the violent shakes of the earthquake. i cannot describe to you my fear during those times. i was fearful for my boy's safety.

all i can do in my home miles and miles away is pray for him. i pray that there would not be a day erold did not experience jesus' love. i pray that the holy spirit sanctifies his little heart and that one day he becomes a faithful-jesus lovin' leader. whether it is in his home, church, business or entire country. i boldly come before the throne and ask the Ultimate Healer that He would equip erold to bring redemption to his country that is so needy for it. i pray for continued safety. for jesus to send a person who could provide stable love for erold & his siblings.

i can also remember him. i will never forget erold. he will be remembered and talked about in my family for many years. hopefully even after i pass.

i have courage to feel the ache within my heart because i rest in the hope that one day we WILL be in heaven together. jesus will come and redeem haiti & the broken family erold comes from. i am able to live in the tension of such pain because hope and joy is GUARANTEED to me. i long for the day for us to be in heaven together.

This is erold & i in the summer of 2007.

 this is erold & i in the summer of 2010.

unveiled faces

 What would it look like to live with an unveiled face? To be exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really you. It is such a terrifying, yet freeing invitation. The reality is I cannot unveil my hidden shame and stand in the Light by my own strength. “Only through Christ is it (the veil) taken away” (2 Corinthians 3:14). I cannot muster up enough self-esteem, courage or self-motivation to stand completely vulnerable and known intimately. Jesus in His kindness and gentleness invites his daughters (and sons) to come as we are. Broken, fearful, doubting, selfish, blind children. God cannot love you or me anymore then He already does. What?! Does that even make sense?!

This means that I can be a fearful, controlling mess and Jesus still accepts me? Adores me? What freeing love we are offered from our Creator!!! 

You see, others or even ourselves cannot unveil our shameful face. Rather the response comes from knowing that Jesus loves me despite myself. That truth is freeing enough to tear my veil off, dance in freedom and breath deeply... resting in the fact that I am exposed, seen, revealed, vulnerable, really me and loved still.

“Since we have the assurance of God’s love no matter what, we can do a very bold thing. We don’t have to pretend to be more radiant than we really are. We can live with unveiled faces” John Ortberg.

A,B,C...

We all want to live with purpose. We all want our lives to count for something. To be close to death and know that our little life made an impact.

“A human life is like a single letter of the alphabet. It can be meaningless. Or it can be a part of a great meaning. God delights to make words, sentences, and paragraphs of grace through the broken and rebellious letters written into the grander narrative”.

We are not the center of the grander narrative. The narrative is not about our life, but about Jesus’. The author of the story is God. We are simply and yet amazingly just a letter comprising the BIG story.

“We are targets for hope who’ll serve as agents of hope, and candidates of mercy who’ll live as conduits of mercy. Jesus is bringing restoration to broken individuals as a means of bringing healing to other individuals, families, communities, and ultimately the whole universe”.

We were created to live in God’s story. For God’s glory. He so graciously enfolded me and you into this story. We can be a part of this amazingly, huge, redemptive love story. What a privilege! 

I am honored to be a letter in the story, not an entire word, paragraph, page or book… but a letter none the less.

**The above quotes are from the book 'restoring broken things' by scotty smith and steven curtis chapman.

tribes of the soul.

i once heard that each soul is comprised of three tribes. so i did some investigating and identified my own tribes. i gave each tribe a name in january and I just recently renamed them to more redemptive names. ((side note: i am not a schizo, this is figurative… not literal. just in case you are questioning my sanity!))  

one tribe speaks about the desire within in the feminine soul. she knows what the heart longs for. her name was "ashamed". she is now called "passion".

one tribe controls the desires. she controls so the desires are not felt. she overbears so they do not run rampant. her name was "drill sergeant". she is now called "healthy organizer”.

one tribe attempts to decipher feelings. this tribe is often the way in which we cope. her name was "librarian". she is now  called "art teacher".

often times the tribes within our soul are out of line. one is dominating the rest. when our tribes live in equilibrium we are restful. when each tribe is aware of the other two, our soul can just “be”. when each tribe respects each other and their individual functions our soul is most alive.

"ashamed" was the quietest, but the most desperate. she was the one who was trying to wake the "drill sergeant" and the "librarian" up to reality: feelings of loneliness, shame, a deep desire to be loved and to love and ingrained feelings of insufficiency and insecurities. "ashamed" did not speak up because she believed that the reality of her state would make far too many waves for the "drill sergeant" to control or the "librarian" to hush. so, she quieted her voice and was lost by her counterparts.

"drill sergeant" used to demand order and productivity. she demanded that outer appearances were stable, in-line and not falling apart. she screamed, yelled, and dictated how life should be: put-together and composed.

"librarian" used to shame and embarrass the soul so the desires fled due to feelings of insufficiency. she ignored what was going on in order to appear orderly and in-production. She also kept things neat, by coming in and quieting the chaos; mostly through the use of hyper-relationships and co-dependence. the librarian allowed for earthly relationships and the distractions they offered to hide the real desires. hyper-religiosity and condemnation also acted as extinguishers of the flames of desire that aroused attention. 

i learned that i must start listening to my desires, “ashamed” is now called “passion”. "passion" feels deeply. i allow “passion” to speak and be heard, no matter how ugly the feelings are. “passion” now has the liberty to express her loneliness, sadness, fear, hurt, excitement or shame freely to the other tribes. they are learning to respect her, to not control and therefore disregard her feelings or hush and belittle her desires. “drill sergeant” is learning to let go and be a mess sometimes. she is allowing me to express my insecurities to sisterfriends and not always look composed. she sometimes has to come in and control emotions in order for the emotions to be understood. she sometimes has to assert herself in order that vulnerability is shared with few and not the world. each tribe has an appropriate function. “the librarian” became the “art teacher” because times when my true desires seemed too hard to handle, i coped with art and journaling. i not only allowed “passion” to be heard and respected, i also coped with those feelings via arts & crafts and "drill sergeant" let me be artistic and deal with my emotions. 

yes. i daily struggle to be aware of what is going on within me and my heart. but, my deep desire is to be in tune with my feminine soul. i challenge you to name your tribes. to see which one is dominating the others and which one is dying to heard.

go, beautiful souls and have courage to identify what is going on within your precious hearts. have courage to listen. to feel.

below are pictures of what i created one night to let "passion" be heard. unashamed, valued, live and be known is what is said.

   ((photos were taken by my wonderful roommate, jessica bennett))

a good listener.

"Listening to your heart can include reliving fearful and painful experiences and examining your strategies to silence your heart so you never have to feel that anguish again"

Sharon Hersh from the book, Brave Hearts 

Do you have a place where you are able to listen to your heart?  

Is there a safe place where you can retreat and sit, listen, speak, weep, wrestle with your inner self and have courage to feel?

We live in a fast-pace culture where spending time reflecting is not appreciated or valued. Courageous hearts sit and listen to the wounds that have marred our souls in order to allow for healing and restoration.

experiencing grace.

Grace is a word that I have grown up with.
Grace is an overused word. A misunderstood word. A word that may be fully inconceivable by mankind. Grace, in all of it’s meaning is a beautiful mystery that is so complex yet so simple.
Grace can be defined as receiving something that you do not deserve. God is a grace-filled God who daily, no momentarily, pours His grace onto His children.
The eyes of my soul have been opened a little wider today. I have seen grace actively being bestowed on me. My flesh is awakened, by bones are nourished.
We, as Americans, and maybe mankind as a whole feel like “we get what we deserve”. But, the Truth is that we don’t get what we deserve. Jesus came to Earth and turned everything upside down, or right side up…
I deserve nothing except death. I am a selfish, fearful, doubting, inconsiderate girl. I do not deserve God’s love. None of us do. Not even Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt or Oprah. Oprah could not have enough "Give Aways" to earn God's love.
But, the Truth in the Bible is that God is good to His children. He is loving and kind. He is patient and faithful. The only reason He displays such affection on His wayward daughters, like you and me is because of what Jesus did on the cross. It is not because of our “good and acceptable” actions. We do not deserve grace, we deserve death.
Jesus died for my sinful heart ((I already listed a few of my sins above. Just ask me, I could give you a longer list if you would like)) AND when He died He also gave me His righteousness and perfection.
As a result, when God looks at me, He sees Jesus! God sees a forgiven, justified girl who can therefore receive grace.
Like I said, the concept of grace is simple because the Bible told me so. But, practically I cannot fathom it.
Looking back at my recent past, I deserved to be left by a Holy God. I deserved to be abandoned and given over to my worldly desires. But, God in His grace rescued me. And today, I feel so humbled and undeservingly gracious to have again witnessed God pouring His grace on a fearful, prideful girl.
I do not deserve His kindness. I do not deserve His provision. Yet, He has given it to me because of Jesus.