from birth to death

I was home one weekend visiting my family and my precious 80 year-old-grandmother, who is affectionately known as ‘Granny’ called me aside to expose her wounded heart to her granddaughter. She so vulnerably opened her heart to me and I will forever cherish our ten-minute conversation. I saw my Granny’s feminine soul at its most purist.

She began the conversation simply and matter-of-factly. She expressed to me her loneliness and her deep desire for friends. Most of her friends are sick, dying, or have already passed. She is aching for a girl friend to go shopping with, eat lunch with, walk the dogs with, and be known by. She longs to laugh with a friend, cry with her, love her and be loved by her. It brings me to tears to know that my Granny, in all of her tenderness exposed her heart full of longings for a cherished friend. I was a privileged girl to see the depths of her heart. It was messy, yet so beautiful.

Longings for rich relationship never leave a feminine soul. We never grow out of them. We never marry out of them, have kids, buy a house, live a whole life without them. Our feminine heart aches for rich relationships. From birth to death.

This is Granny. She has courage to feel her lonely heart.

strategies

These past few days I have been realizing something about myself. I use a variety of earthly things to grant me value, love and protection. I have been using every strategy to quench my longing for purpose and worth. I know that I will shortly forget that strategies are hopeless and fickle, but at this moment I believe that nothing on this earth has the power to grant me purpose and worth. Only Jesus does. 

Strategy as defined by Webster’s Dictionary is, “a careful plan or method: a clever stratagem. The art of devising or employing plans or stratagems toward a goal”. I no longer want to be a strategizer. I do not want to devise a plan. I no longer want to cleverly and carefully search for earthly things to quiet the longings of my soul. 

A strategy may be a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success, or good grades. Strategies are ways in which we run towards objects to find purpose. Even if the strategy temporarily works, it will fail to provide what it so deceptively promised. The strategy promises to grant value and worth when it is attained. When the strategy fails us a deep part of the feminine soul feels valueless, worthless, and purposeless.
Therefore, I have no other option than to fall down where I am at, as a weak strategizer and finally rest. I am resting. No adventure, no job, no amount of independence granted by God gives me the status of being loved, valued and protected. Nothing on this earth has that amount of power. Only Jesus does. He claimed me as worthy when he came to earth, died on the cross, and rose again. I am already valued. Therefore a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success and good grades are not bad things. They simply cannot grant me the status of “valued”.
 

universal longings

I was flipping through People Magazine looking for the story about Sandra Bullock's sweet new baby and ran across a quote from a Hollywood Starlet that I kept replaying in my mind.

Jennifer Aniston stated in People Magazine that, "I feel beautiful when... I'm surrounded by friends that know me and love me". This woman who seems to be untouchable simply stated that she feels most beautiful when she is with people who know her completely and love her anyways. Don't we all desire that?

Jennifer, just like myself feels most free, valued, genuine, raw, restful and beautiful when she is able to be utterly known. She feels most beautiful when she is known and accepted, understood and loved.

We have an innate desire written on our hearts at birth, which is to be known and loved.

Friends will fail Jennifer Aniston, I know this from experience. Jennifer Aniston's longing to be known and loved by earthly beings merely echoes her deep desire to be unconditionally known and loved by Jesus. She may be unaware of her holy longings that can only be met by the MOST truest Friend, Jesus.

I needed to be reminded that we, as women have universal longings: to desire to be known and loved.
Jennifer Aniston has a courageous heart that admits her desire to be fully known and fully loved. 

exercise compassion

A good sisterfriend of mine shared her heart with me as we drove home from a Thai restaurant. Her words that night encouraged me and I could not resist sharing her insight. She is one of the most alive women I know! She lives to serve and care for the oppressed and marginalized individuals of our society. She is going to serve homeless children and youth this summer, she is relentless in her pursuit to bring care to others. Compassion and empathy are two characteristics that describe this sisterfriend. The way she encourages her friends, family, classmates, colleagues, and strangers is admirable.

Our conversation in the car that night closely mirrored what was written in the previous post: being a detective for dignity. She diligently and intentionally exercises her compassion “muscles” as it relates to people in her life that are often difficult to love. She introduced me to a “Compassion Exercise” by Avatar: The Compassion Project.

The objective of this exercise is to: Increase the amount of compassion in the world.
The exercise can be completed on old enemies, with family members, or loved ones.
Step One: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life”
Step Two: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life"
Step Three: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair”
Step Four: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs”

Step Five: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is learning about life”.

She has found that honestly with one’s self leads to compassion for others. Her heart beats a little faster for justice and equality in this world. Compassion, mercy and empathy run deeply within her soul because she has found that “just like her, other people are also learning about life” ((that is Amanda’s favorite step to repeat to herself!)).

This is Amanda. She has courage to feel her compassionate heart.

detectives for dignity

Give me an “Amen sista” if you agree that women are the most competitive creatures on the planet. We walk into a room and immediately size up our competition. We feel confident and lovable if we are the most attractive woman in the room. We do not buy name-brand items to impress men, but rather to belittle other women. I know this game all too well because I have been playing it since middle school. I am coming to realize that this competition is not truly satisfying. It is exhausting having to compete and make other women feel inferior so I can feel more confident.
What if we became detectives for dignity? It is a difficult challenge to look at another woman through the eyes of the heart. Looking through the eyes of the heart rather than the insecure-blurred vision of the eyes means seeing others as what is most true of them.
We must be relentless in looking for the strengths, gifts, passions and similarities in the women we have a hard time loving. Loving passionately and without abandon is quite difficult. It is no easy task to look at another women as similar to yourself, especially if you are competing with her to make yourself feel more secure.
How challenging is it to see your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend through the eyes of your heart? A family member that differs greatly from you? A co-worker or classmate who is conniving? A homeless woman panhandling? A dancer at a local strip club? The “popular girl” in high school as a feminine soul desiring similar things as yourself? It is a counter-cultural idea to be a detective for dignity and actively seek the beautiful, feminine soul within her.
She too, like myself, and you desires to be loved, known, accepted and cherished. Instead of shaming her, hating her, being jealous, disgusted, or competitive with her begin to see her through the eyes of the heart. She is a sister who is also longing for relationship, kindness, wisdom, insight and purpose.

** ((The concept of being a Detective for Dignity is from the book, Brave Hearts by Sharon A. Hersh. I highly recommend purchasing this book. But, beware: your heart will undergo a major renovation. It is painful, but so worth it))**

it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul, I know this deeply. But, my circumstances are not so well.
I come back from another engagement party celebrating another beautifully cherished couple for which I am thrilled! I love them and am truly thankful for their love.
As I leave the party I am faced with reality. My circumstances that surround me are so unstable, so out of control. Not sure what the future holds as it pertains to a job, location, financial income, loneliness or companionship and disapproval from others. My life is full of much stress and tension. It is well with my soul, but not my circumstances.
I leave another celebration feeling “singled” out and my heart is as hungry as ever to BE celebrated as a beautifully cherished couple with my lover. My desire to be adored is passionately aroused as I leave the engagement party. It is like my whole being, each bone in my body is dry and aching for a man’s love. I crave to be unconditionally accepted by a man. These desires are currently going unfulfilled. It is well with my soul, but not my circumstances.
It is well with my soul because tonight, as I slip into my P.J.’s and sit on my bed with my lap top I feel so alive in this tiny room alone. I feel so in touch with the part of my soul I have quieted for many years. I am letting her speak. She weeps, ponders, admits her neediness and feels valued.
It is well with my soul because I have holy, God-given longings that were not given to me as a punishment. These desires were not ingrained in me to be a source of frustration. They were inscribed on my soul to reflect what God’s heart is like. He too desires to be adored, to have a party thrown in the sake of His love, He craves to be loved ((even by mere humans)). We were made in the image of God: every human. I have a heart that is beating really close to the Creator’s. We have similar desires that are passionately groaning to be known and loved. I feel alive because I am restful that my heart is more than OK.
My circumstances that surround me are so unstable, so out of control, but it is well with my passionate soul.