a good listener.

"Listening to your heart can include reliving fearful and painful experiences and examining your strategies to silence your heart so you never have to feel that anguish again"

Sharon Hersh from the book, Brave Hearts 

Do you have a place where you are able to listen to your heart?  

Is there a safe place where you can retreat and sit, listen, speak, weep, wrestle with your inner self and have courage to feel?

We live in a fast-pace culture where spending time reflecting is not appreciated or valued. Courageous hearts sit and listen to the wounds that have marred our souls in order to allow for healing and restoration.

experiencing grace.

Grace is a word that I have grown up with.
Grace is an overused word. A misunderstood word. A word that may be fully inconceivable by mankind. Grace, in all of it’s meaning is a beautiful mystery that is so complex yet so simple.
Grace can be defined as receiving something that you do not deserve. God is a grace-filled God who daily, no momentarily, pours His grace onto His children.
The eyes of my soul have been opened a little wider today. I have seen grace actively being bestowed on me. My flesh is awakened, by bones are nourished.
We, as Americans, and maybe mankind as a whole feel like “we get what we deserve”. But, the Truth is that we don’t get what we deserve. Jesus came to Earth and turned everything upside down, or right side up…
I deserve nothing except death. I am a selfish, fearful, doubting, inconsiderate girl. I do not deserve God’s love. None of us do. Not even Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt or Oprah. Oprah could not have enough "Give Aways" to earn God's love.
But, the Truth in the Bible is that God is good to His children. He is loving and kind. He is patient and faithful. The only reason He displays such affection on His wayward daughters, like you and me is because of what Jesus did on the cross. It is not because of our “good and acceptable” actions. We do not deserve grace, we deserve death.
Jesus died for my sinful heart ((I already listed a few of my sins above. Just ask me, I could give you a longer list if you would like)) AND when He died He also gave me His righteousness and perfection.
As a result, when God looks at me, He sees Jesus! God sees a forgiven, justified girl who can therefore receive grace.
Like I said, the concept of grace is simple because the Bible told me so. But, practically I cannot fathom it.
Looking back at my recent past, I deserved to be left by a Holy God. I deserved to be abandoned and given over to my worldly desires. But, God in His grace rescued me. And today, I feel so humbled and undeservingly gracious to have again witnessed God pouring His grace on a fearful, prideful girl.
I do not deserve His kindness. I do not deserve His provision. Yet, He has given it to me because of Jesus.

transforming a heart of stone

I feel like a fraud.

I often paint myself as a girl who has it all together. A person who with all her heart is striving to glorify Jesus. I see the depths of my heart. I hear my inner dialogue. I am with myself all day long and throughout the night and I am the most selfish person. Inconsiderate, unloving hypocrite who is incredibly self-rightous. If you ask the ones that are the closest to me, they would quickly agree.

I write this to remind you that I am a sinner. I am not perfect and I do not have everything figured out. I am in desperate need of a Savior and His grace.

I have found that freedom and livelihood comes when I am most honest with myself and others. When I allow people to know the real me. The unkempt me.

I am being restored. I am a work in progress… a major one. But, Jesus loves me too much to leave me the way I am. 

He is faithful to change his child’s heart from that of a stone to one of flesh.

from birth to death

I was home one weekend visiting my family and my precious 80 year-old-grandmother, who is affectionately known as ‘Granny’ called me aside to expose her wounded heart to her granddaughter. She so vulnerably opened her heart to me and I will forever cherish our ten-minute conversation. I saw my Granny’s feminine soul at its most purist.

She began the conversation simply and matter-of-factly. She expressed to me her loneliness and her deep desire for friends. Most of her friends are sick, dying, or have already passed. She is aching for a girl friend to go shopping with, eat lunch with, walk the dogs with, and be known by. She longs to laugh with a friend, cry with her, love her and be loved by her. It brings me to tears to know that my Granny, in all of her tenderness exposed her heart full of longings for a cherished friend. I was a privileged girl to see the depths of her heart. It was messy, yet so beautiful.

Longings for rich relationship never leave a feminine soul. We never grow out of them. We never marry out of them, have kids, buy a house, live a whole life without them. Our feminine heart aches for rich relationships. From birth to death.

This is Granny. She has courage to feel her lonely heart.

strategies

These past few days I have been realizing something about myself. I use a variety of earthly things to grant me value, love and protection. I have been using every strategy to quench my longing for purpose and worth. I know that I will shortly forget that strategies are hopeless and fickle, but at this moment I believe that nothing on this earth has the power to grant me purpose and worth. Only Jesus does. 

Strategy as defined by Webster’s Dictionary is, “a careful plan or method: a clever stratagem. The art of devising or employing plans or stratagems toward a goal”. I no longer want to be a strategizer. I do not want to devise a plan. I no longer want to cleverly and carefully search for earthly things to quiet the longings of my soul. 

A strategy may be a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success, or good grades. Strategies are ways in which we run towards objects to find purpose. Even if the strategy temporarily works, it will fail to provide what it so deceptively promised. The strategy promises to grant value and worth when it is attained. When the strategy fails us a deep part of the feminine soul feels valueless, worthless, and purposeless.
Therefore, I have no other option than to fall down where I am at, as a weak strategizer and finally rest. I am resting. No adventure, no job, no amount of independence granted by God gives me the status of being loved, valued and protected. Nothing on this earth has that amount of power. Only Jesus does. He claimed me as worthy when he came to earth, died on the cross, and rose again. I am already valued. Therefore a job, a boyfriend, an adventure, independence, beauty, success and good grades are not bad things. They simply cannot grant me the status of “valued”.
 

universal longings

I was flipping through People Magazine looking for the story about Sandra Bullock's sweet new baby and ran across a quote from a Hollywood Starlet that I kept replaying in my mind.

Jennifer Aniston stated in People Magazine that, "I feel beautiful when... I'm surrounded by friends that know me and love me". This woman who seems to be untouchable simply stated that she feels most beautiful when she is with people who know her completely and love her anyways. Don't we all desire that?

Jennifer, just like myself feels most free, valued, genuine, raw, restful and beautiful when she is able to be utterly known. She feels most beautiful when she is known and accepted, understood and loved.

We have an innate desire written on our hearts at birth, which is to be known and loved.

Friends will fail Jennifer Aniston, I know this from experience. Jennifer Aniston's longing to be known and loved by earthly beings merely echoes her deep desire to be unconditionally known and loved by Jesus. She may be unaware of her holy longings that can only be met by the MOST truest Friend, Jesus.

I needed to be reminded that we, as women have universal longings: to desire to be known and loved.
Jennifer Aniston has a courageous heart that admits her desire to be fully known and fully loved. 

exercise compassion

A good sisterfriend of mine shared her heart with me as we drove home from a Thai restaurant. Her words that night encouraged me and I could not resist sharing her insight. She is one of the most alive women I know! She lives to serve and care for the oppressed and marginalized individuals of our society. She is going to serve homeless children and youth this summer, she is relentless in her pursuit to bring care to others. Compassion and empathy are two characteristics that describe this sisterfriend. The way she encourages her friends, family, classmates, colleagues, and strangers is admirable.

Our conversation in the car that night closely mirrored what was written in the previous post: being a detective for dignity. She diligently and intentionally exercises her compassion “muscles” as it relates to people in her life that are often difficult to love. She introduced me to a “Compassion Exercise” by Avatar: The Compassion Project.

The objective of this exercise is to: Increase the amount of compassion in the world.
The exercise can be completed on old enemies, with family members, or loved ones.
Step One: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life”
Step Two: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life"
Step Three: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair”
Step Four: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs”

Step Five: With attention on one person, repeat to yourself:

“Just like me, this person is learning about life”.

She has found that honestly with one’s self leads to compassion for others. Her heart beats a little faster for justice and equality in this world. Compassion, mercy and empathy run deeply within her soul because she has found that “just like her, other people are also learning about life” ((that is Amanda’s favorite step to repeat to herself!)).

This is Amanda. She has courage to feel her compassionate heart.